How NOT to Get Published: Eight Tips to Save You Time and Effort

By Josh Mosey | Digital Marketing Strategist (and an actual, published author)

Writing is hard. Getting published is even harder.

While many people have a story living inside of them, it is commonly said that 99% of books submitted for traditional publication get rejected. This can be for a variety of legitimate reasons, but that’s a pretty daunting statistic, nonetheless. Since getting published is soooo difficult, we thought it may be a lot easier to provide a guide on how NOT to get published.

1. Plagiarize. There is nothing new under the sun. Why try to come up with something original when you could submit an already successful book for publication under your own name? While publishers and law professionals tend to frown on stealing the work of others and passing it off as your own, they can’t catch everyone who does it, right?

2. Spel evrything rong. Wen peeple hav 2 wurk harde too reed wot yoo hav ritten, thay whil feal lyk thay R gedding thair munnys wurth.

3. Forget to add the story part. Things happen in stories, but do they really need to? Hamlet, one of Shakespeare’s most famous protagonists, dithers for the entire play and we somehow still love it.

4. Pack your writing full of clichés. Why reinvent the wheel when you can beat a dead horse? Make sure your story starts on a dark and stormy night and includes star-crossed lovers (a loose cannon and a helpless love interest). Just add as many tropes and clichés as possible until the cows come home. (Sure, Shakespeare did it, but they were original in his time.)

5. Give every character the same name. What it lacks in variety, it makes up for in confusing interactions.

6. Describe everything. You can’t just have someone open a door. Show how their brain sent a message by nerve impulses to their hands, prompting them to grasp the handle which felt cold against their skin… and so on and on. Make Tolkien sound concise!

7. Never edit. Geniuses don’t need editing! Corrections are things that happen to lesser mortals.

8. Take to social media and insult everyone in the publishing industry. This will definitely get some attention from publishers (especially if you tag them). Maybe they will even like your moxie and give you a shot. #publishersaredumdums

Here’s the truth. Rejection is part of publication. Some of the greatest books of our time were rejected by countless publishers before finding the right home. It is a rite of passage and should be celebrated as such.

Don’t do the obviously wrong stuff listed here, but if you’ve done all the right things, don’t let the haters get you down either. If you have a story inside you, let it out with the Write Michigan Short Story Contest.